• Cart
  • Checkout
  • My Account
    • Email
    • Facebook
    • LinkedIn
    • Twitter

Aging Schmaging

Women's Issues Midlife And Beyond

  • Aging Schmaging
  • Home
  • Shop
    • Art
    • Cards
    • Photography
    • Scarves
  • Playshops
  • Blog
  • Portfolio
  • About
  • Contact
Grieving Widow
You are here: Home / Menopause / Moon Pause, Part 8: Grief And The Aging Woman

Moon Pause, Part 8: Grief And The Aging Woman

March 8, 2016 By Gail 2 Comments

“A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.  The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50.”  The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

-Joanne B Pavlovich

The Challenges Of Widowhood

When I met with my friend Judy to talk about the challenges of widowhood, I was given a privileged snapshot into the gradations of grief. Throughout our conversation, Judy would burst into tears over happy memories, sad memories, and a myriad of issues associated with being a new widow.

Her marriage was not storybook, yet in death Cy, her husband, has become more loving… more talented…more selfish… more… everything…in her mind.  I wonder if her anger towards him both while he was living, and now that he has left her to face the future alone, fuels her mixed emotions.

Judy is lucky, however.  Cy left her with a pension, savings, assets, and medical coverage.  By contrast, many aging widows spiral into poverty rather quickly. Almost four times the number of elderly widows lives in a state of poverty versus their married peers, and only eighteen percent have pensions. (Hillier) Already thrust into an emotional quagmire of grief, the dwindling finances of widows quicken the descent into despair.

After the death of a loved one, shock and numbness soon follow. This can be a blessing because it allows the rudiments of functioning before dealing with raw emotions. Some women abort the grieving process to show a brave face to the world, but this often manifests in illness or behaviors unusual for the person.  Some dwell on the past and have emotional eruptions consisting of anger, guilt, depression, and over-compensating (drinking, eating, spending, gambling, for examples) to feel something, anything.  And, when it seems like nothing worse can happen, family members get greedy.

Judy’s best friend, Bonnie, recently lost her husband as well. His cancer prognosis was grim, and he did not want Bonnie to deal with the expense and endless caregiving his condition required. One evening, after she left for work, he put a gun to his head and ended it.  Mixed within Bonnie’s grief was a lot of anger. She felt suicide was a selfish act, and left her completely unprepared for the aftermath.  Bonnie, in various stages of sorrow, had to make choices to survive. There were funeral expenses, medical bills, and everyday household costs.  She began to sell off items no longer needed—a boat, for instance—in order to meet the obligations.

Her children responded in rage.  They believed she was selling items duly “owed” to them as a form of inheritance.  To stop her, they contacted the police and suggested an investigation.  Had their mother perhaps murdered their father and made it look like suicide?  It was a nightmare.  Bonnie had a stroke shortly after.  She is still recovering and estranged from her children. Some days are good, and others are a struggle. Judy often visits and attempts to keep Bonnie’s spirits up, which in turn helps Judy as well. Companionship and loss often are bittersweet partners.

My grandmother, as she approached the age of 102, told me one of the disadvantages of a long life was the loss of so many loved ones. Her parents, her siblings, even her children were passing on before her, and she felt alone.  There were still many family members and friends to socialize with, however, the mounting losses took a toll on her happiness.

It has been suggested that those with larger social circles and strong religious or spiritual backgrounds face death better.  Nonetheless, I have not necessarily observed this to be true. I would say my grandmother fit the description of a person with healthy social ties and a vibrant religious belief system, yet she succumbed to depression with each loss. In fact, when my uncle died she had a mental breakdown that took almost a year to work through.

 

The authors of Stages of Senior Care (Hogan, 2009) offer this checklist on “Normal” grieving, which includes:

  • sadness and depression
  • insomnia
  • changes in eating patterns
  • crying at different times
  • mood swings
  • feeling a need to withdraw
  • mental fog

 

Symptoms of concern with grieving  include:

  • feelings of worthlessness
  • lack of functioning
  • suicidal thoughts
  • severe guilt

 

According to Doress-Worters and Laskin Siegal, some of the things we can do to help those confronting bereavement are:

  • Listen before speaking. Don’t say you know how they feel because you don’t, but do offer to give them the time and space they need to sort through and express their emotions.
  • Don’t feel the need to fill the silence. Be present without taking over.
  • Offer to take care of the person by giving them the gift of time—bringing them food, caring for their pets, and running errands on their behalf.
  • Help with correspondence. Perhaps purchase thank-you notes and help address envelopes.

 

Grief is a personal journey, and there are no set time limits on getting through it. As my grandmother stated, the older one gets, the more death one will confront. Aging women will continue to be the caregivers, the tenders of loss, and the heart that breaks for those who go on ahead.

 

Resources

Athealth.com—Bereavement and Grief.

Facing Death: Five-part video series addressing practical issues of loss, planning, and bereavement.

GriefNet: An online community of people dealing with grief, death, and other major losses. It has 37 email support groups and two web sites. A companion site, KIDSAID, provides a safe environment for children and their parents to find information and ask questions.

National Funeral Directors Association: Trade organization of more than 13,000 funeral directors–a group that often provides grief and bereavement support to families. NFDA aims to enhance the funeral service profession and promote quality service to the consumer.

National Mental Health Association:  A large organization with 340 state affiliates which work to improve mental health policy and the lives of people with mental illness; has referrals for counseling and support programs.

The Compassionate Friends:  National self-help support organization for families grieving the death of a child. Provides information to help others be supportive.

Widow.com– Widow.com is dedicated to bringing widows and widowers and those who stand ready to help them to one place- a community of understanding and caring.

 


Free Scarf Giveaway

«
»

Filed Under: Menopause, Musings About Aging

Avatar photo

A Message From Gail

Through my blog and website, I hope to share beauty, laughter, inspiration, aging & midlife lessons and advice on dealing with menopause. I will also devote time to integrative health and healing tips and news. I want feedback and questions because, while we may be sharing the journey, every woman has her own experience and her own story.

Get Our FREE 
Coloring Book!

Comments

  1. Laura Carlson says

    March 9, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    A beautiful, tender, and very imformative piece, Gail…Just love reading your blogs…Thank you!

    Reply
    • Avatar photoGail says

      March 10, 2016 at 10:30 pm

      That means a lot to me, Laura. I try to put out stories and information that are useful as we explore the second half of life. I really appreciate your comments and visits.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Download
Our FREE
Coloring Book!

Get Updates – Signup

Once a month one lucky winner from the sign up pool will receive a scarf courtesy of Aging Schmaging. Good luck!

Categories

  • Giveaways
  • Menopause
  • Midlife Sex
  • Musings About Aging
  • Recipes
  • Remembering
  • Sharing
  • The Best Part Of My Day

Recent Posts

  • Past, Present, and Future: What I am Learning as My Husband Recovers from A Stroke By Gail Gates
  • In One Stroke, My World Changed
  • Christmas Fingerprints On The Surface Of My Heart
  • Tears Water A Memorial Garden
  • Crap Wildlife Photography: How I received 1800 “Likes” From A Fugly Photo

Navigate My Site

  • Almost Done!
  • Free Coloring Book
  • Menopause And Women In Midlife Blog
  • Playshops
  • Privacy Policy
  • Return Policy
  • Shop
  • Silk Scarves Playshops Registration
  • Sitemap
  • Success!
  • Testimonials
  • About
  • Contact

Recent Posts

  • Past, Present, and Future: What I am Learning as My Husband Recovers from A Stroke By Gail Gates
  • In One Stroke, My World Changed
  • Christmas Fingerprints On The Surface Of My Heart
  • Tears Water A Memorial Garden
  • Crap Wildlife Photography: How I received 1800 “Likes” From A Fugly Photo

Connect With Me

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Featured From the Shop

  • habitoi silk scarf Habatoi Hand Painted Silk Scarf 101 $35.00
  • grand marais summer solstice Grand Marais Solstice $10.00 – $45.00

Copyright © 2023 · Gail Theme On Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

Cleantalk Pixel