Being Beautiful In Your Lover’s Eyes: Realistic Or Not?

Love and beauty

Do I love you because you’re beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella

Licking a bit of egg roll off my finger, I squinted at my husband with suspicion. Whenever I do things with my tongue, he pays attention. Whenever I squint at him he gets nervous.

“Whaaat?”

I settled back in the restaurant booth. This was going to be interesting.

“There was an article by a woman named Pamela Fox that made me sad,” I said. “She and her husband made a list of what bothered them about each other, and a second list of what they loved about each other. Her husband said one of the things that bothered him was that she wasn’t more attractive.”

My husband frowned. “Say more.”

“Let me read a section to you… ‘I discovered then that my partner resented that he wasn’t more physically attracted to me — that I wasn’t as attractive as his dream mate. He appreciates a massive amount about me and about our relationship, and that’s why he wishes that my face was a 10 to him, so that I’d be compatible with him on all counts.

My reaction? First 5 minutes: mature, poised, totally understanding and beyond silly needs like wanting to be attractive. Next 3 hours: sobbing under my blanket, hiding in my room.’” https://medium.com/@pamelafox/not-the-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world-75f9dd123968#.alar97nr3

My husband looked as sad as I felt.

“I can’t imagine that,” he said. Big heavy pause. “You do know I think you are gorgeous, right?”

He was trying to assure, and despite a black hole of insecurity that exists within me, that’s not what I was fishing for.

“How can you love someone without seeing his or her beauty?” I said. “Even if a person is not physically perfect—and who is—doesn’t everything change when love arrives? Shouldn’t that be how it works?”

I saw my husband’s mind whirling and sorting. He can be much more realistic than me, and I suspected he was struggling to find the right words. He has told me of relationships within his circle of friends that exist on something beyond physical attraction—like security or status—but has viewed them as curiosities. He took my hand as he processed.

“Look,” I said, “I know I am not a classic beauty. But even if nobody else in this whole wide world thinks I’m special, I want to be beautiful to you. I’d be crushed if you told me otherwise, and I guess that is why I feel horrible for Pamela. Is it somehow different for men?”

“I can only speak for myself,” he said, “But I feel the same as you. Attraction matters in both directions. What “is” definitely changes with love and time.”

I sighed, relieved for the validation between us. He took my sigh for doubt.

“Gail, I am so damn proud to have you at my side. I hope you know that.”

Truth be told, I never know it. I want it, I crave it, but I never take it for granted. That is why Pamela’s story, which had to be hard to write through the tears, opened up a meaningful conversation between my husband and me.

I’m not a great beauty, but he thinks I am. It is reflected in his eyes and transmitted through his touch, actions, and words.

The best part of my day? My sweet, handsome, goofy, romantic husband.

Would you stay with a partner who does not find you beautiful? Why or why not?